Today’s Reason: Relief

Today was the first morning in 63 long days I woke up without pain. Wow. I’ve been down this pain path many, many times before; I knew yesterday’s epidural would provide immediate relief but I had forgotten just how much constant pain altered my demeanor. I feel like myself again. I feel weightless. I feel free. (Cue the applause!)

Nevertheless, this is a condition I must continue to manage, a second spine surgery is likely. When faced with chronic pain, I will do anything for relief- I will take the slew of prescriptions that turn me into an extra from the Walking Dead, I will take a big ass needle shoved into my spinal column, and yes I will take another major surgery. Anything that promises even a sliver of relief from 24/7 pain, I’ll take- I think you would too.

Relief comes in many forms, just as many as there are types of pain. Aching, excruciating, shooting, stabbing, tortuous, heavy, harrowing, burning. Whatever the flavor, be it physical or emotional, finding relief therein has been the most challenging things I continue to combat all these 48 years of life. Currently, it is physical pain: the pain I can acknowledge with a simple, “It hurts here.” That emotional pain, however, isn’t nearly as easy to pinpoint.

It just occurred to me that being a Pain Expert isn’t something one aspires to be! What a bummer/ blessing that I can say with 100% certainty that when it comes to pain- physical as well as emotional- I am an authority on the topic. “Write what you know”, as the clichΓ© goes… pain is unfortunately exactly what I know.

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Living Life’s Traumas

I read once that we all experience capital “T” traumas as well as lower case “t” traumas throughout life- Traumas being the bigger, longer lasting incidents such as physical and emotional abuse whereas trauma is akin to short term instances like injuries, illnesses, or losing your job. Many more examples in each category of course but as a subjective concept, your Traumas and traumas will be a very different list than anyone else’s. My Trauma began and continued throughout childhood and as a result, I have continually experienced trauma ever since.

Upon beginning Yoga Teacher Training, we were asked why yoga? Why did we choose yoga, what does yoga provide us, why are we interested in pursuing a deeper understanding of our practice, and why do we want to become teachers? I answered, “As an adult survivor of child abuse, I want to spread the positivity and acceptance that yoga provides for anyone who has experienced a similar situation. From that, I can steer my business to attracting exactly that kind of client, be it one recovering from past traumas or those with PTSD looking for a place to heal. I aim to provide a safe, loving place to practice while nurturing acceptance and compassion for the mind, body, soul, as well as the world that surrounds.”

My Yoga Guru SC has encouraged me to tell even more of my story and I am still getting comfortable with that- this is the first step. I’m not yet ready to face/ write/ share about my childhood Traumas, so that’s not what this post is about (edit: that’s exactly what this post turned out to be!). Currently, I am going through a physical trauma that has dogged me for over 20 years. Injuries and illnesses I am oh so familiar with unfortunately but with my nascent spiritual practices, I am becoming more at one with and accepting of the physical and emotional pains I continue to endure.

One day after spine surgery, February 2021. I can feel my pain just looking at this photo!

I just realized I can’t really discuss my current physical traumas without getting into a little bit of those childhood Traumas. Damn. Alright… <gulp> here goes…

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