Category: Child Abuse

A New Recovery

On By LauraIn Alcohol, blogging, Child Abuse, Inspiration, Lifestyle, PTSD, Trauma3 Comments

It’s been a hot minute since I posted as life- and my priorities as a result- have shifted yet again. The more we seek and search, the more we learn and I have been in a constant state of self wonder. While that’s a good thing, it also leads to more realizations about how I came to be the person I am today as a result of the trauma and violence I suffered as a child. I denied it all just to survive that period in my life and now that my yogic path has brought me here, to a place of self-love and equanimity, I clearly see how my behaviors in the past constantly worked to reinforce all those survival methods- and not in a good way.

The past several months, I decided to go even more internal and took to writing in a journal as opposed to this blog as I wanted to speak my whole truth and nothing but. Here, on the blog, there’s an audience and while I aim to write as truthfully and as authentically as possible 99.99999% of the time, my deepest thoughts are not for publishing. Here, I craft each post with attention to paragraph length and supporting images and grammar and all that fun stuff but there, in my journal, I write to myself, for myself, and let all structure go- it’s incredibly therapeutic (albeit unreadable as my handwriting is atrocious but I knew what I was relaying in the moment and that’s what counts, right?! Right!).

I started this blog with the intention to chronicle my journey giving up alcohol but that period in my life was actually just a blip; the way I used alcohol worked to support the survival/ self loathing/ external validation seeking habits I had formed as a result of being abused as a child. Freaking epiphany: I am a people pleaser to a (HUGE) fault. I never learned how to find validation within, I only felt validated when I did things to make other people happy no matter how it negatively effected me. For 48 years. Wow. The moment that hit me was the moment I decided the people pleasing stops now- my needs and my desires alone are paramount. Finally.

While alcohol is part of my story, it’s definitely not the whole story. The people and paths I have chosen along the way and these ingrained habits revolve solely around the lasting effects as an adult survivor of child abuse. This, dear readers, is the truest part of me, the thing that has a clutch on my soul and psyche, the thing I have tried so hard to deny, the thing that has brought on more stress and anxiety and grief and depression than I have ever admitted to any single person I have ever met. This is the time to face it in order to change it, and this is the story I will continue to tell…

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Under The Knife

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Health, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, TraumaLeave a comment

In one week I will undergo a second spine surgery. Through the past several months, I have done everything possible to manage the pain to some avail sometimes. When I was really in it, I was in complete and total misery. All seemed much better as of late, but not according to my spine surgeon.

I was anticipating a potential surgery many months down the road, but was told that, in fact, it is scheduled for February 13th- down came an avalanche of worry, guilt, fear, sadness and anxiety.

Worry and guilt about leaving my husband without help as I recover for 6-8 weeks. Worried about losing my brand new job, anxiety about telling my new boss, and major guilt for pulling this on her just 2 weeks after I began work. Guilt for letting the senior center down where I was about to start teaching yoga. Sadness that my yoga momentum is coming to an abrupt halt and that my fitness will go right back to zero. And, above all, fear and anxiety about the surgery itself.

This is my second ACDF (Anterior Cervical Dissection and Fusion) surgery for the same problem, Cervical Degenerative Disease. I have battled problems with my cervical column for over 25 years, these issues more than likely due to the child abuse I endured wherein my mom chose to wrap her hands around my neck and squeeze.

All the things I have been practicing about mindfulness, kindness, and compassion flew right out the window the moment the spine department said, “February 13th.” You can meditate your face off, practice yoga for hours every day, and read every single philosophy book known to mankind but we are still going to be faced with situations that are uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unavoidable- the truest tests of our character.

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Today’s Reason: Relief

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, Today's Reasons, Trauma4 Comments

Today was the first morning in 63 long days I woke up without pain. Wow. I’ve been down this pain path many, many times before; I knew yesterday’s epidural would provide immediate relief but I had forgotten just how much constant pain altered my demeanor. I feel like myself again. I feel weightless. I feel free. (Cue the applause!)

Nevertheless, this is a condition I must continue to manage, a second spine surgery is likely. When faced with chronic pain, I will do anything for relief- I will take the slew of prescriptions that turn me into an extra from the Walking Dead, I will take a big ass needle shoved into my spinal column, and yes I will take another major surgery. Anything that promises even a sliver of relief from 24/7 pain, I’ll take- I think you would too.

Relief comes in many forms, just as many as there are types of pain. Aching, excruciating, shooting, stabbing, tortuous, heavy, harrowing, burning. Whatever the flavor, be it physical or emotional, finding relief therein has been the most challenging things I continue to combat all these 48 years of life. Currently, it is physical pain: the pain I can acknowledge with a simple, “It hurts here.” That emotional pain, however, isn’t nearly as easy to pinpoint.

It just occurred to me that being a Pain Expert isn’t something one aspires to be! What a bummer/ blessing that I can say with 100% certainty that when it comes to pain- physical as well as emotional- I am an authority on the topic. “Write what you know”, as the cliché goes… pain is unfortunately exactly what I know.

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Dear Laura: I’m Sorry

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Health, Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, TraumaLeave a comment

Dear Laura:
I owe you more apologies and even more applause for the things we’ve gone through over the bumpy course of these 48 years. We’ve done a lot and we’ve seen a lot and I have held you back at nearly every turn. Often I’ve ignored the truth and lied to you more times than I care to admit and for this, I confess my fault in it all.

I am sorry for allowing toxic relationships to abuse you and for destructive environments to punish you. You were always right from the start- every time you said things were too stressful and too dramatic and too threatening I didn’t listen, I only told you to take it all with a smile and go back for more the next day. When you recognized these harmful situations, I was wrong in telling you to accept things for what they are. You always knew better.

I am sorry for the mistreatment you suffered at the hands of your parents. You had nothing to do with their inability to love and show kindness, it was not your fault that they physically and mentally abused you, at least we can both agree about that. But all those times I said you deserved it, again I was wrong. You never deserved abuse. I am regretful for ever putting that on you. Look at how much you’ve accomplished despite that lack of unconditional parental love. I am sorry that continues to haunt you and I promise to remind you of how much you shine, how much love and comfort you provide for your own family even though you were never taught how- you always had it in you.

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Living Life’s Traumas

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Injury, Pain, PTSD, Trauma, yoga teacher training14 Comments

I read once that we all experience capital “T” traumas as well as lower case “t” traumas throughout life- Traumas being the bigger, longer lasting incidents such as physical and emotional abuse whereas trauma is akin to short term instances like injuries, illnesses, or losing your job. Many more examples in each category of course but as a subjective concept, your Traumas and traumas will be a very different list than anyone else’s. My Trauma began and continued throughout childhood and as a result, I have continually experienced trauma ever since.

Upon beginning Yoga Teacher Training, we were asked why yoga? Why did we choose yoga, what does yoga provide us, why are we interested in pursuing a deeper understanding of our practice, and why do we want to become teachers? I answered, “As an adult survivor of child abuse, I want to spread the positivity and acceptance that yoga provides for anyone who has experienced a similar situation. From that, I can steer my business to attracting exactly that kind of client, be it one recovering from past traumas or those with PTSD looking for a place to heal. I aim to provide a safe, loving place to practice while nurturing acceptance and compassion for the mind, body, soul, as well as the world that surrounds.”

My Yoga Guru SC has encouraged me to tell even more of my story and I am still getting comfortable with that- this is the first step. I’m not yet ready to face/ write/ share about my childhood Traumas, so that’s not what this post is about (edit: that’s exactly what this post turned out to be!). Currently, I am going through a physical trauma that has dogged me for over 20 years. Injuries and illnesses I am oh so familiar with unfortunately but with my nascent spiritual practices, I am becoming more at one with and accepting of the physical and emotional pains I continue to endure.

One day after spine surgery, February 2021. I can feel my pain just looking at this photo!

I just realized I can’t really discuss my current physical traumas without getting into a little bit of those childhood Traumas. Damn. Alright… <gulp> here goes…

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