Category: Trauma

Surgery Recovery Necessities

On By LauraIn Health, Injury, Lifestyle, Pain, surgery, Trauma3 Comments
One week post-op: keeping a brave face through my second spine surgery recovery (and a heckuva lot of pain meds).

One week ago, I underwent a second ACDF spine surgery and have been home recovering since. It’s been real. This time around has not been like the first surgery, in fact, it has been harder. Luckily, I have developed the tools to handle this situation a lot better and while I am not ready to write a lengthy essay surrounding philosophies of healing and self-care, I am ready to share some of the little things… too often slivers of happiness are found in the tiniest of treasures.

Pajamas. The comfier, the better and with 6 weeks of recovery looming, that’s a lot of PJs! PJs happen to be my favorite clothing item, I have often planned get togethers around the wearing of PJs because comfort must be celebrated. I have tried a lot all of the major brands, at all different price points but right now, I am living in my Land’s End flannel bottoms and Target workout top. Other favorite bottoms that help to fully embrace the comfort of bed rest include all the Athleta joggers and once the weather warms up, Old Navy cotton bottoms.

Deliciousness. To recover well, you gotta eat well. My surgeon has repeated that my nutrition must be top notch as I heal in order to give the bones what they need and to just feel good. Currently, I am on a liquid diet (as my surgery was through the neck and swallowing is painful) so drinking super healthy things for 3 meals a day is hard but I did my research the first time around and ordered up a ton of bone broth and soup from Kettle and Fire and smoothies, nut milks, and green juices from Pressed Juicery.

More deliciousness. All that healthy stuff is well and good and exactly what my body needs but my soul craves some indulgence too- especially when I am in pain and feeling sorry for myself. It’s all a part of recovery and liquid diets allow for lots of fun things like milkshakes, ice cream, and pudding. Yuuuum. Hubby brought home a box of Entenmann’s “Soft’ees” Doughnuts and those, exactly as described, were super soft and super good!

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Under The Knife

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Health, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, TraumaLeave a comment

In one week I will undergo a second spine surgery. Through the past several months, I have done everything possible to manage the pain to some avail sometimes. When I was really in it, I was in complete and total misery. All seemed much better as of late, but not according to my spine surgeon.

I was anticipating a potential surgery many months down the road, but was told that, in fact, it is scheduled for February 13th- down came an avalanche of worry, guilt, fear, sadness and anxiety.

Worry and guilt about leaving my husband without help as I recover for 6-8 weeks. Worried about losing my brand new job, anxiety about telling my new boss, and major guilt for pulling this on her just 2 weeks after I began work. Guilt for letting the senior center down where I was about to start teaching yoga. Sadness that my yoga momentum is coming to an abrupt halt and that my fitness will go right back to zero. And, above all, fear and anxiety about the surgery itself.

This is my second ACDF (Anterior Cervical Dissection and Fusion) surgery for the same problem, Cervical Degenerative Disease. I have battled problems with my cervical column for over 25 years, these issues more than likely due to the child abuse I endured wherein my mom chose to wrap her hands around my neck and squeeze.

All the things I have been practicing about mindfulness, kindness, and compassion flew right out the window the moment the spine department said, “February 13th.” You can meditate your face off, practice yoga for hours every day, and read every single philosophy book known to mankind but we are still going to be faced with situations that are uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unavoidable- the truest tests of our character.

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Funemployment: The End (and The Beginning)

On By LauraIn Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, Trauma, unemployment, Work, yoga5 Comments
Me with my Yoga Teacher Training fam; our guru, leader and goddess SC front and center.

I am elated to state: I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!! Not in the industry I spent the past 30 years in, but in the industry I began last April when I started the Yoga Teacher Training certification path. I am now the proud Studio Manager at a bustling, pedigreed, super awesome yoga studio here in Oakland AND I accepted a role teaching gentle yoga to seniors! Everything is coming up yoga!

Can you believe it?! I am so happy I could cry. Actually, I have cried a few times, this is such an incredible turn of events I cannot stop smiling, even through these joyful tears!

The past 6 months I have gone on umpteen interviews for food/beverage/hospitality senior management roles and along the way, was offered a handful of jobs- declined 5, accepted 3- but then something always happened right after I said yes to a role, never in my favor. Last month, I was offered a Catering Manager position at a location I absolutely loved, I accepted enthusiastically, my new boss said, “Welcome to the team!” and then I heard nothing back. Nothing. It’s been 5 weeks and there has still been zero return to my phone calls, zero response to my follow-up emails. I could relay more of my horror hiring stories but I won’t waste our time, on to better things…

And guess what? Now I am done with that industry! Shove it, Hospitality! I gave you three decades of dedication, had some fun along the way, produced so many amazing events, ate lots of incredible food, met some great people, and learned an unbelievable amount. I gave hours upon hours, worked myself to the bone, put up with a lot of challenging people and situations, and was treated horribly all to earn a pay check.

But now I am leading with my heart and it feels oh so good to finally be rewarded.

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Today’s Reason: Relief

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, Today's Reasons, Trauma4 Comments

Today was the first morning in 63 long days I woke up without pain. Wow. I’ve been down this pain path many, many times before; I knew yesterday’s epidural would provide immediate relief but I had forgotten just how much constant pain altered my demeanor. I feel like myself again. I feel weightless. I feel free. (Cue the applause!)

Nevertheless, this is a condition I must continue to manage, a second spine surgery is likely. When faced with chronic pain, I will do anything for relief- I will take the slew of prescriptions that turn me into an extra from the Walking Dead, I will take a big ass needle shoved into my spinal column, and yes I will take another major surgery. Anything that promises even a sliver of relief from 24/7 pain, I’ll take- I think you would too.

Relief comes in many forms, just as many as there are types of pain. Aching, excruciating, shooting, stabbing, tortuous, heavy, harrowing, burning. Whatever the flavor, be it physical or emotional, finding relief therein has been the most challenging things I continue to combat all these 48 years of life. Currently, it is physical pain: the pain I can acknowledge with a simple, “It hurts here.” That emotional pain, however, isn’t nearly as easy to pinpoint.

It just occurred to me that being a Pain Expert isn’t something one aspires to be! What a bummer/ blessing that I can say with 100% certainty that when it comes to pain- physical as well as emotional- I am an authority on the topic. “Write what you know”, as the cliché goes… pain is unfortunately exactly what I know.

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Dear Laura: I’m Sorry

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Health, Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, TraumaLeave a comment

Dear Laura:
I owe you more apologies and even more applause for the things we’ve gone through over the bumpy course of these 48 years. We’ve done a lot and we’ve seen a lot and I have held you back at nearly every turn. Often I’ve ignored the truth and lied to you more times than I care to admit and for this, I confess my fault in it all.

I am sorry for allowing toxic relationships to abuse you and for destructive environments to punish you. You were always right from the start- every time you said things were too stressful and too dramatic and too threatening I didn’t listen, I only told you to take it all with a smile and go back for more the next day. When you recognized these harmful situations, I was wrong in telling you to accept things for what they are. You always knew better.

I am sorry for the mistreatment you suffered at the hands of your parents. You had nothing to do with their inability to love and show kindness, it was not your fault that they physically and mentally abused you, at least we can both agree about that. But all those times I said you deserved it, again I was wrong. You never deserved abuse. I am regretful for ever putting that on you. Look at how much you’ve accomplished despite that lack of unconditional parental love. I am sorry that continues to haunt you and I promise to remind you of how much you shine, how much love and comfort you provide for your own family even though you were never taught how- you always had it in you.

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Living Life’s Traumas

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Injury, Pain, PTSD, Trauma, yoga teacher training13 Comments

I read once that we all experience capital “T” traumas as well as lower case “t” traumas throughout life- Traumas being the bigger, longer lasting incidents such as physical and emotional abuse whereas trauma is akin to short term instances like injuries, illnesses, or losing your job. Many more examples in each category of course but as a subjective concept, your Traumas and traumas will be a very different list than anyone else’s. My Trauma began and continued throughout childhood and as a result, I have continually experienced trauma ever since.

Upon beginning Yoga Teacher Training, we were asked why yoga? Why did we choose yoga, what does yoga provide us, why are we interested in pursuing a deeper understanding of our practice, and why do we want to become teachers? I answered, “As an adult survivor of child abuse, I want to spread the positivity and acceptance that yoga provides for anyone who has experienced a similar situation. From that, I can steer my business to attracting exactly that kind of client, be it one recovering from past traumas or those with PTSD looking for a place to heal. I aim to provide a safe, loving place to practice while nurturing acceptance and compassion for the mind, body, soul, as well as the world that surrounds.”

My Yoga Guru SC has encouraged me to tell even more of my story and I am still getting comfortable with that- this is the first step. I’m not yet ready to face/ write/ share about my childhood Traumas, so that’s not what this post is about (edit: that’s exactly what this post turned out to be!). Currently, I am going through a physical trauma that has dogged me for over 20 years. Injuries and illnesses I am oh so familiar with unfortunately but with my nascent spiritual practices, I am becoming more at one with and accepting of the physical and emotional pains I continue to endure.

One day after spine surgery, February 2021. I can feel my pain just looking at this photo!

I just realized I can’t really discuss my current physical traumas without getting into a little bit of those childhood Traumas. Damn. Alright… <gulp> here goes…

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