Dear Laura: I’m Sorry

Dear Laura:
I owe you more apologies and even more applause for the things we’ve gone through over the bumpy course of these 48 years. We’ve done a lot and we’ve seen a lot and I have held you back at nearly every turn. Often I’ve ignored the truth and lied to you more times than I care to admit and for this, I confess my fault in it all.

I am sorry for allowing toxic relationships to abuse you and for destructive environments to punish you. You were always right from the start- every time you said things were too stressful and too dramatic and too threatening I didn’t listen, I only told you to take it all with a smile and go back for more the next day. When you recognized these harmful situations, I was wrong in telling you to accept things for what they are. You always knew better.

I am sorry for the mistreatment you suffered at the hands of your parents. You had nothing to do with their inability to love and show kindness, it was not your fault that they physically and mentally abused you, at least we can both agree about that. But all those times I said you deserved it, again I was wrong. You never deserved abuse. I am regretful for ever putting that on you. Look at how much you’ve accomplished despite that lack of unconditional parental love. I am sorry that continues to haunt you and I promise to remind you of how much you shine, how much love and comfort you provide for your own family even though you were never taught how- you always had it in you.

I am sorry for ignoring your physical and mental pain. For years, when you would say, “This hurts.” I only told you to suck it up, push past, and continue on. I acknowledge this only caused more harm by allowing those injuries to fester further, creating a deeper wound that became increasingly harder for you to dig out of. Yet, every time you do. I aim to tell you to listen to your pain going forward, to act on it, and get help immediately. I get it- you are very accustomed to suffering, your adaptability to the uncomfortable is immense, but you don’t have to hurt yourself like your parents did. You are safe now and I promise, you are allowed to heal.

I am sorry for being lazy. You’re so good at starting a consistent practice of exercise but then I sneak in, waving cupcakes in your face and distracting you from Your Big Picture. I know I should help you stick to your goals but when that lethargy creeps in and I pass by that bakery, I can never resist. I realize just saying “I can never resist” makes it so but I will listen to you and what your body is saying it wants and needs- we know you want physical activity, to keep up your daily meditation and yoga practices, to spend more time outdoors, and we know you have the willpower to do all that it takes to achieve all the things you desire- physically and spiritually- and I deeply regret that my useless idleness ever held you back.

I am sorry for doubting your talents. You’ve more than proven that you can do anything and everything you set your mind to and now, on this new path of Yoga Teacher Training, I have let you waste valuable time on feeling scared and nervous. Even when everyone around you tells you, “You can do this!” I sit over here, shaking my head, saying, “No you can’t!” Again, I was mistaken. You’re scared because you’re on the right path, you’re nervous because you care. I vow to support your vision and help harness your power to become the woman we both know you are meant to be.

I am sorry for making you choose defensiveness and anger when empathy and compassion could have taken the place. Your nascent spiritual practices have certainly trumped me here though. Since understanding that negativity is a choice, you’ve been choosing the positive lately and I hope to stay out of your way here! The compassion that you have developed for yourself is a breathe of fresh air, a burden has been lifted and I am beyond proud that you’ve finally arrived.

Yes, you’ve always had these choices, but maybe it took all of the above to get you to truly embrace your power to choose. I’ve only gotten in your way but I feel this shift within us, we’re starting to stand side-by-side instead. In conceding this part of you, you’re clearing the path towards your goals. We’ve still got a lot to work and I will remind you every day that our goals are one in the same: to feel love, to give love, and to remain gracious along the way.

I love you,
Laura

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