A New Recovery

On By LauraIn Alcohol, blogging, Child Abuse, Inspiration, Lifestyle, PTSD, Trauma3 Comments

It’s been a hot minute since I posted as life- and my priorities as a result- have shifted yet again. The more we seek and search, the more we learn and I have been in a constant state of self wonder. While that’s a good thing, it also leads to more realizations about how I came to be the person I am today as a result of the trauma and violence I suffered as a child. I denied it all just to survive that period in my life and now that my yogic path has brought me here, to a place of self-love and equanimity, I clearly see how my behaviors in the past constantly worked to reinforce all those survival methods- and not in a good way.

The past several months, I decided to go even more internal and took to writing in a journal as opposed to this blog as I wanted to speak my whole truth and nothing but. Here, on the blog, there’s an audience and while I aim to write as truthfully and as authentically as possible 99.99999% of the time, my deepest thoughts are not for publishing. Here, I craft each post with attention to paragraph length and supporting images and grammar and all that fun stuff but there, in my journal, I write to myself, for myself, and let all structure go- it’s incredibly therapeutic (albeit unreadable as my handwriting is atrocious but I knew what I was relaying in the moment and that’s what counts, right?! Right!).

I started this blog with the intention to chronicle my journey giving up alcohol but that period in my life was actually just a blip; the way I used alcohol worked to support the survival/ self loathing/ external validation seeking habits I had formed as a result of being abused as a child. Freaking epiphany: I am a people pleaser to a (HUGE) fault. I never learned how to find validation within, I only felt validated when I did things to make other people happy no matter how it negatively effected me. For 48 years. Wow. The moment that hit me was the moment I decided the people pleasing stops now- my needs and my desires alone are paramount. Finally.

While alcohol is part of my story, it’s definitely not the whole story. The people and paths I have chosen along the way and these ingrained habits revolve solely around the lasting effects as an adult survivor of child abuse. This, dear readers, is the truest part of me, the thing that has a clutch on my soul and psyche, the thing I have tried so hard to deny, the thing that has brought on more stress and anxiety and grief and depression than I have ever admitted to any single person I have ever met. This is the time to face it in order to change it, and this is the story I will continue to tell…

Continue reading “A New Recovery” →

Me, Myself, Not I

On By LauraIn Poetry, WritingLeave a comment

I am not this body, this skeleton, this brain
I am beyond what you see
I am beyond words I say
I am beyond things we feel

I am not my name, my age, my ego
I am a creation but do not want
I am an idea but do not agree
I am a woman but did not choose

I am not a profession, a hobby, a place
I am a mother with pride
I am a wife with care
I am a daughter with wounds

I am not yours, not theirs, nor mine 
I am spirit
I am energy
I am LIFE.

Today’s Reason: Comfort

On By LauraIn Alcohol, Friendship, Health, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, Today's ReasonsLeave a comment
Current view.

Three weeks into recovery from my second ACDF surgery and I am adapting to bed rest much better this time around. As you can see, I’ve created a nice little nest complete with fluffy blankets, fragrant candle, and fuzzy puppy. It feels just as good as it looks and I am incredibly grateful for these simple luxuries as they have allowed me to follow post-op instructions perfectly: to remain as comfortable as possible.

Not sure where I heard the phrase, “Comfort starts at home.” And nothing is truer- covid lockdown certainly taught us that! Already well trained in staying put plus having gone through this same ACDF recovery two years ago, I am a pro at corralling creature comforts (that also happen include an actual creature named Timber- isn’t he the cutest?!).

Yet comfort goes well beyond the things we can see and touch. Comfort is also found in thoughts, emotions, and the people we surround ourselves with. If we can agree that comfort starts at home, then we can further agree that the concept of “home” stems way beyond four walls and a door- home is also where our body meets our brain. Home is the soul, the place where your true spirit lives.

All that a body and mind seek is comfort: free from pain, healthy, strong, hydrated, well-rested, and loved. Ease of self, through and through is much easier said than done. It is a privilege to attain true comfort and a lot of people do not live an existence that allows for that, including me. Being comfortable in the uncomfortable, rather, seems to be life’s ultimate goal.

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Former Drinking Buddies

On By LauraIn Alcohol, Friendship, Health, Inspiration, Lifestyle, sobriety2 Comments

A few months ago, I spent time with some former drinking buddies and walked away feeling confused and disappointed yet strangely liberated. When I gave up alcohol, these friendships shifted immediately. Removing the through line of the thing that brought us together in the first place left behind a vast silence- while they never discouraged me from quitting drinking, they haven’t encouraged me either. They just went silent.

It took me a while to share Sober Laura with these friends. There were a couple I felt particularly nervous to reveal Sober Laura to as I knew they would make my choice about them- and I was right. Upon telling one former drinking buddy, she said, “Yeah, I always knew you had a problem. Not me though. I’ve never had a problem with alcohol.”

This person I partied and drank with for over 20 years; yet, I am the one with the “problem”. Neat!

The conversation turned into an argument. I pointed out- very loudly- that there had not been one get together in the past two decades of knowing each other where alcohol was not the main focus. Further, to label me as someone with a “problem” with no blame placed on the addictive substance itself is downright insulting. In the end, we hugged it out, relayed hollow let’s-get-together-again-soon platitudes, and I left knowing full well that the friendship was over.

I felt true sadness on one hand but, on the other, complete relief.

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Surgery Recovery Necessities

On By LauraIn Health, Injury, Lifestyle, Pain, surgery, Trauma3 Comments
One week post-op: keeping a brave face through my second spine surgery recovery (and a heckuva lot of pain meds).

One week ago, I underwent a second ACDF spine surgery and have been home recovering since. It’s been real. This time around has not been like the first surgery, in fact, it has been harder. Luckily, I have developed the tools to handle this situation a lot better and while I am not ready to write a lengthy essay surrounding philosophies of healing and self-care, I am ready to share some of the little things… too often slivers of happiness are found in the tiniest of treasures.

Pajamas. The comfier, the better and with 6 weeks of recovery looming, that’s a lot of PJs! PJs happen to be my favorite clothing item, I have often planned get togethers around the wearing of PJs because comfort must be celebrated. I have tried a lot all of the major brands, at all different price points but right now, I am living in my Land’s End flannel bottoms and Target workout top. Other favorite bottoms that help to fully embrace the comfort of bed rest include all the Athleta joggers and once the weather warms up, Old Navy cotton bottoms.

Deliciousness. To recover well, you gotta eat well. My surgeon has repeated that my nutrition must be top notch as I heal in order to give the bones what they need and to just feel good. Currently, I am on a liquid diet (as my surgery was through the neck and swallowing is painful) so drinking super healthy things for 3 meals a day is hard but I did my research the first time around and ordered up a ton of bone broth and soup from Kettle and Fire and smoothies, nut milks, and green juices from Pressed Juicery.

More deliciousness. All that healthy stuff is well and good and exactly what my body needs but my soul craves some indulgence too- especially when I am in pain and feeling sorry for myself. It’s all a part of recovery and liquid diets allow for lots of fun things like milkshakes, ice cream, and pudding. Yuuuum. Hubby brought home a box of Entenmann’s “Soft’ees” Doughnuts and those, exactly as described, were super soft and super good!

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Under The Knife

On By LauraIn Child Abuse, Health, Injury, Inspiration, Lifestyle, TraumaLeave a comment

In one week I will undergo a second spine surgery. Through the past several months, I have done everything possible to manage the pain to some avail sometimes. When I was really in it, I was in complete and total misery. All seemed much better as of late, but not according to my spine surgeon.

I was anticipating a potential surgery many months down the road, but was told that, in fact, it is scheduled for February 13th- down came an avalanche of worry, guilt, fear, sadness and anxiety.

Worry and guilt about leaving my husband without help as I recover for 6-8 weeks. Worried about losing my brand new job, anxiety about telling my new boss, and major guilt for pulling this on her just 2 weeks after I began work. Guilt for letting the senior center down where I was about to start teaching yoga. Sadness that my yoga momentum is coming to an abrupt halt and that my fitness will go right back to zero. And, above all, fear and anxiety about the surgery itself.

This is my second ACDF (Anterior Cervical Dissection and Fusion) surgery for the same problem, Cervical Degenerative Disease. I have battled problems with my cervical column for over 25 years, these issues more than likely due to the child abuse I endured wherein my mom chose to wrap her hands around my neck and squeeze.

All the things I have been practicing about mindfulness, kindness, and compassion flew right out the window the moment the spine department said, “February 13th.” You can meditate your face off, practice yoga for hours every day, and read every single philosophy book known to mankind but we are still going to be faced with situations that are uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unavoidable- the truest tests of our character.

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One Year Alcohol Free

On By LauraIn Alcohol, Inspiration, Lifestyle, sobriety6 Comments

Last week, I celebrated 365 days since I quit drinking- one entire year of being alcohol free! Yay me! I also started my new job that same day of my first “soberthday” so very distracted with new yoga job, I made little fanfare the actual day of. Got a cake. Lit a candle. Applauded myself. Ate said cake. It was glorious.

It is important to note I did not eat the entire cake, I cut it into 4 pieces and delivered a slice to each family member. When I told them what the cake was for they responded, “Aw, that’s awesome! Good job!” and went right back to doing what their previously cake-less selves were doing. And all that was perfectly okay with me.

This one year of not drinking, in the grand scheme of things, is truly no big deal to anyone but me and that’s just the way I like it. I am happy that this date was just that, a date, and only important insofar that I crossed a calendar finish line that means… nothing. I did it and I will keep on doing it and that one year mark was a typical day-in-the-life, only made special with a slice of chocolate cake and not some random date on the calendar.

Just as it should be. My sobriety is now the norm and it feels fantastic.

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Little by Little

On By LauraIn Inspiration, Poetry, WritingLeave a comment

“Little by little,” an acorn said,
As it slowly sank in its mossy bed,
“I am improving every day,
Hidden deep in the earth away.”

Little by little, each day it grew;
Little by little, it sipped the dew;
Downward it sent out a thread-like root;
Up in the air sprung a tiny shoot.

Day after day, and year after year,
Little by little the leaves appear;
And the slender branches spread far and wide,
Till the mighty oak is the forest’s pride.

“Little by little,” said a thoughtful child,
“Moment by moment, I’ll well employ,
And still this rule in my mind shall dwell:
Whatever I do, I will do it well.
“Little by little, I’ll learn to know
The treasured wisdom of long ago;
And one of these days, perhaps, we’ll see
That the world will be the better for me”.

-Author Unknown

Funemployment: The End (and The Beginning)

On By LauraIn Inspiration, Lifestyle, Pain, Trauma, unemployment, Work, yoga5 Comments
Me with my Yoga Teacher Training fam; our guru, leader and goddess SC front and center.

I am elated to state: I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!! Not in the industry I spent the past 30 years in, but in the industry I began last April when I started the Yoga Teacher Training certification path. I am now the proud Studio Manager at a bustling, pedigreed, super awesome yoga studio here in Oakland AND I accepted a role teaching gentle yoga to seniors! Everything is coming up yoga!

Can you believe it?! I am so happy I could cry. Actually, I have cried a few times, this is such an incredible turn of events I cannot stop smiling, even through these joyful tears!

The past 6 months I have gone on umpteen interviews for food/beverage/hospitality senior management roles and along the way, was offered a handful of jobs- declined 5, accepted 3- but then something always happened right after I said yes to a role, never in my favor. Last month, I was offered a Catering Manager position at a location I absolutely loved, I accepted enthusiastically, my new boss said, “Welcome to the team!” and then I heard nothing back. Nothing. It’s been 5 weeks and there has still been zero return to my phone calls, zero response to my follow-up emails. I could relay more of my horror hiring stories but I won’t waste our time, on to better things…

And guess what? Now I am done with that industry! Shove it, Hospitality! I gave you three decades of dedication, had some fun along the way, produced so many amazing events, ate lots of incredible food, met some great people, and learned an unbelievable amount. I gave hours upon hours, worked myself to the bone, put up with a lot of challenging people and situations, and was treated horribly all to earn a pay check.

But now I am leading with my heart and it feels oh so good to finally be rewarded.

Continue reading “Funemployment: The End (and The Beginning)” →

Bloganuary: Why I Write

On By LauraIn Bloganuary, blogging, Inspiration, WritingLeave a comment

WordPress hosts a Bloganuary challenge wherein they email a daily prompt and you’re supposed to write, as the title implies, daily for the entirety of January. As you can see, it is January 11th and this is my first (last?) Bloganuary post.

I am not a fan of these one-month long challenges. I like the idea of them, but for me it’s too much pressure. I am not a once-a-day blogger nor do I aim to be. I also do not do yoga once a day every day or drink a green juice once a day every day nor any other of the other once a day every day challenges that are out there other than eat, sleep, breathe, and be. That alone is a daily challenge in and of itself.

Then why do I sign up for these things, you may be asking and that’s a legit question- I sign up because I enjoy the inspiration! I know myself well enough to know that I cannot commit to 31 days straight of writing/ yoga/ juicing yet I enjoy the daily prompts and the motivation to create they provide.

Of the eleven prompts WordPress has sent thus far, I have kept four. Some of the prompts just don’t do it for me, a couple I have already written enough about, and those few I found compelling enough to save because they get my mind churning even if I choose not to put those thoughts to paper.

My blog, my choice and today, I choose to write! And writing about writing is a topic I certainly enjoy…

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